Mother Issues!

This is a copy of a post I have posted elsewhere but felt there was a relevance to it being here, please forgive the lack of personalisation in it but I don’t have the energy and patience to go through re-wording and personalising this item. I am interested in any comments that you might have on this post.

I have said in the past that my blog posts are a little like busses, none for ages and then loads at once, well I have not written much for ages but feel that there are a few blog posts coming for one or other of my blogs.

So, where to start, well a good place to start is with my mother! Always a topic to get me wound up.

I will input into this post some stuff I chatted over with my counsellor today about this subject, spent my whole session chatting round issues related to my mother.

OK so a few weeks ago my niece was staying with my mother, my niece is 15 and it was a surprise that she had wanted to spend some time with my mother, as they have never really got on together, mind you my mother doesn’t really get on with anyone.

We felt a little sorry for my niece so decided that we would invite them both to join us on an afternoon at a local country park, our son was in respite so it was only our daughter with us, my mother was her usual self, very self centred and whenever the conversation went to discussing anything other than her, e.g. when I asked my niece how school was going etc, she rapidly brought the subject back to herself, this happened several times.

Anyhow, whilst there, our daughter wet herself, as you will be aware she has learning difficulties and, at the age of 8, can still be a little unreliable with her toileting, but usually pretty reliable, my wife got on and change her and I alerted members of staff who cleared up the mess, with no fuss or problems. No more was mentioned and we didn’t think it was a big deal.

Right, now fast forward a couple of weeks to Saturday just gone, I had a phone call from my mother asking if I could check her oil and water on her car as she is due to go away shortly, during this conversation she asked whether I had heard from my sister, which I hadn’t, she then went on to say that she had fallen out with her, why? Because my niece has decided that she wants to change her name from her birth fathers surname to my sisters maiden name, you will need to read this carefully to follow it all, my sister is a divorcee, her ex, my nieces father, was abusive to the kids, and continues to be (verbally primarily) so there are good reasons why my niece might want to have little to do with him, my sister being a divorcee has taken her maiden name back, this is the name she acquired through her father, my step father, although I use this surname simply because its what everyone knew me as all my life, anyhow, my mother and step father split up about 22 years ago when he had an affair with a younger woman, he now lives somewhere abroad, America or Australia, with his second wife and their 2 children.

OK so my mother was upset that my niece has decided to take his surname because of the hurt he has caused her, now the only hurt he has caused my mother is to have an affair with someone, I do not mean to belittle this BUT it happens all the time! In-fact I have a suspicion, although my mother would deny it, that her relationship with my step father started as her having an affair with him whilst still with my birth father.

So, again considering the fact that my niece has suffered at the hands of her father I can understand why she might want to take the surname that her mother is currently using. Anyhow, my reaction to my mother was pretty swift and unusually assertive with her, she usually makes me feel like that little boy again and I find it difficult to be so assertive, but anyhow I simply told her that it was a silly thing to fall out over and my niece has the right to make this decision herself! My mother was hurt by this but I stood my ground and she swiftly turned the subject back to her car, I said I would get back in touch, but was already not very keen on doing anything for her.

Anyhow, I then rang my sister to discuss with her, I have found it pays to get her story ready for my next encounter with my mother. And had an enlightening discussion. Yes my niece did want to change her name and yes my sister had told my mother this was her decision and hers alone, so my mother put the phone down on her!

Ok so the relevance of the wetting incident? Simply that my sister, informed me that my niece really didn’t enjoy staying with my mother, surprise, surprise, but mainly because my mother was so critical of so many people, including apparently telling my niece that my daughter wetting herself was embarrassing! As was the fact that my daughter is so clearly over weight! Now this just about shows the level of my mothers selfishness ignorance and arrogance and made me see red! After all the times we have gone out of our way to take my mother out and al the hours spent with her saying how ‘lovely’ & how ‘sweet’ our daughter is and all the time she was embarrassed by things like that! Yes our daughter does have a weight issue and she does have bladder (and bowel) control problems, but that’s all part of the disability, as our niece pointed out but my mother apparently dismissed it and said it had nothing to do with it! Presumably she blames the parents!

So now I was faced with a real dilemma, do I go and sort my mothers car out or do I throw my dummy out of the pram and refuse? And if I do go, do I mention the matter or not?

Well, for the sake of good relations I choose to go, although we made pretty sure we didn’t have to spend long there, went on the way back from being out and had some dinner in the oven! So the kids and my wife stayed in the car as I sorted her car out, I also choose not to raise the subject although would have had a thing or 2 to say if she had mentioned anything along those lines!

Basically I am at the point where I am considering severing ties with my own mother because her attitude is totally unacceptable, we have chosen to give life and opportunities to 2 children with special needs and they do NOT need this kind of attitude from their own grandmother.

This raises again the whole, honouring your parents issue, which would be easy to do if she were keeping the commandments too as she wouldn’t be so awkward and difficult to be honouring to.

Anyhow, in chatting with my counsellor today we discussed some of the issues and reasons why I find it difficult to tackle issues directly with my mother, on this occasion it wasn’t that I found it difficult to tackle it I deliberately chose not to raise the issue myself but generally I always feel as though she turns me into a little child again, primarily because she has always, for as long as I can remember belittled me and run me down, she has always treated my views and opinions as if they don’t count and actually she pays very little attention to anything that I, or my sister say, as if our views are unimportant, also through my childhood she has pretty much made me feel as a small child, not allowed to have a view or opinion of myself, I have to listen to what my parents say as they are always right!

Another part of this is the whole honouring issue, how can you disagree with your parents and still honour them? Well I have good cause to disagree with my mother, she is so often wrong, and bigoted and ignorant and doesn’t listen to another persons opinion or point of view! But that doesn’t mean I don’t honour her, and respect her, as another human being that is! As my mother, no, all she did was to give birth to me and accommodate me for a few years, she has never earned the right to be honoured as my mother.

Anyhow, some of you might think that I am being rather harsh on her, well if that’s you feel free to contact me and you can take her as your mother! Lets see how long you survive!

Basically my mother falls out regularly with all sorts of people, for all sorts of silly reasons, this issue with my sister is just the latest (that I know of) in a long line of issues over which she falls out with people.

At the moment she is away on holiday (kind of!) with her sister but she has regularly fallen out with her too, my mum has said several times that her sister ‘always has to be right, she can’t accept that she is ever wrong’ sounds familiar to me!

Another example of how awkward and stubborn my mother can be is also connected to names, my sister has chosen, since leaving home, to be known by her middle name rather than her first name, I have to say I can’t blame her because in my view her middle name is much nicer, this again is a decision that she is entitled, as an adult, to make, its all part of her stamping her own identity and personality on her life but my mother refuses to refer to her by her middle name, this leads to a lot of confusion especially when my mum was living not far from my sister, everyone there knew my sister by her middle name so got pretty confused when my mum called her by her first name, changing your preferred name in this way, either using your middle name or abbreviating your name or taking on a nick name etc is pretty common place in society, but my mum just wants her little girl to shrink away and conform to her mums standards and expectations. In fact I think I am going to make a conscious decision to call my sister by her preferred name, at least when addressing her in person even if my mother is around, regardless of the consequences because this is what my sister WANTS! And she is old enough to make this decision, it might be difficult for a while as I am so used to her being called, and me calling her, by her first name.

Anyhow, at this point in time I am having to make a conscious decision that I will NOT be sucked into my mothers games and manipulation that I WILL NOT allow her to control me or to turn me into that little child that I will act as the adult and address the issues in an adult and grown up way, without loosing my temper and without allowing myself to be turned into the little child again, regardless of how she reacts, even to the point where I can make the conscious decision to NOT tackle an issue if I feel it would not be constructive, or would even be detrimental to do some but this would be a decision would be a conscious decision made in my adult self rather than one made because I have become the weak child that she wants me to become.

Fortunately for us we have always made a point of refusing to allow my mother to have any stronghold over us in the form of having given ups money to help us out, there have been times that she has offered to help us financially with some significant expenditure, most recently the cost of re-wiring the house, but we have always turned down these offers because we do not want to allow her to be able to use this against us. A good policy and one my sister wishes she had adopted but she has taken money from my mother at various times and always regrets it.

Anyhow, I do feel that, in the right time and in the right way I need to tackle some of this stuff directly with my mother, addressing her general attitude towards other people and telling her that her attitude is only going to result in her being very lonely into her old age, certainly myself and my sister feel that we are reaching the end of what we can tolerate from her. But also addressing directly her attitudes and prejudices about our children, telling her that if she is that embarrassed by our kids then she best not come out with us! But timing and wording will be crucial, I need to ensure that my attitude and actions are from right motives and done in a right way but also being prepared to accept that this MAY result in the severing of relationships, for at least a time, depending on her response, this is obviously not an issue I can tackle with the kids present either, so wisdom beyond wisdom is needed to know how best to tackle this.

I think that’s about all I need to say on this, the post is a lot longer than I expected but that’s not unusual, as I said at the beginning there may well be a couple of others to follow this if I can get my head round it all.